Wednesday, January 26, 2005

Pulling up above the cloudbank

Yesterday was rough. There are these days that just hit me out of the blue, and being the mercurial melancholic that I am, I rolled with it. I've realized by now that when your disposition, your humours, whatever, decide that you're going to have a depressive day, it's better just to let it happen, let it roll through like a stormfront, rather than trying to fight it back with some silly sense of propriety.

When my Crows days come around (note: these are different from the 'rob gordons', you understand), the important thing is to be honest with myself and with God, and to listen to both.

I needed to vent. I needed to wallow a little, just to let it out, pop off the valve a bit. In the calm after my raging, when i'm deflated and hollowed, that's when I listen best.

I had written my post, and a few emails, then I went home. On the train platform, i heard the familiar Voice saying, "You're so angry about your routine. Your schedule. You want excitement. But dude, what you see as iron-bar routine, others see as security. Look at your life: your family, your friends, your job, your apartment. For the first time in your life, everything's really starting to come together. You aren't facing any serious problems or crises. And your 'boring' routines are trauma-free. So you aren't dating, right now. That's a small thing. You are in good health, surrounded by people who love you. You are growing. Life is good. Pull out of the cloudbank and look at the sky."

I went home, made dinner, watched a little TV, and read for about two hours (something I probably couldn't have done if I were in a serious relationship). At the end of my restful evening, I went to bed.

This morning, as I ate my Cheerios, I saw on the news a report of a three-car accident last night. A drunk driver hit two other cars. Seven people went to the hospital.

I got dressed, left the apartment, and got on the train. And I thanked God for my 'boring' train ride. My 'predictable' schedule. And his mercy on my lack of perspective.


When I got to work, I had four emails from friends. Each one ministered to me in a different way. Thank you all. (I'll answer them tomorrow.)

As for today, it's an incredibly busy day. A good day (and not just for the busy-ness, steph).

I'm not "all better." I still feel the way I feel. But the overwhelming feeling of hopelessness is starting to change back to hope. Change is gonna come, like the song says. I don't have to make it happen. I don't have to force God's hand. I just have to respond. To keep juggling. To pull above my own pettiness and take in the view from above.

I'll be okay. My God is good. And that is enough.

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