Thursday, August 17, 2006

"Everything else will be off..." including the TV: A Rock Star Recap (UPDATED)

[Because you know it's coming, and you have to admit you love reading it.]

What a Dickensian ending to this week of Rock Star madness. It was the best of weeks, it was the worst of weeks.

Okay, to go in order:


The band took the contestants to Las Vegas, to show them where the first stop on Supernova's eventual tour would be. Then, everything fell apart. Dilana (after a few drinks, i'm thinking) proceeded to tell Tommy that they should just pick her and end the competition now, because she's the best one. Ahem. Then, Toby and Lukas got freaking smashed. Passing out at 10:30? Wow, guys. What a foolish mistake. In any audition or interview, even for a rock band, you don't make a drunken buffoon of yourselves! The band already has one of those; he plays drums. I doubt highly that Gilby or Jason thought much of their performance, which may hurt them later.

Then at song selection, Toby ran around the pool naked on a dare, just to get to play with Gilby. Silly Toby.

Performance Episode:

As I mentioned, Magni doing the Bowie tune "Starman" was awesome. Check out the video, it's good stuff. Patrice did the Police's "Message in a Bottle," and she did okay but not great. However, the band (and especially Dave N.) gave her a lot of grief for it. She had this shell-shocked look on her face after they were done with her. Lukas was uninspiring. Zayra was good, but still so totally wrong for the band. Ryan rocked out "In the Air Tonight," if that's even possible. I was rivetted during his performance. That kid's got this really intense magnetism. Toby's hard-earned song with Gilby was Peter Gabriel's "Solsbury Hill," which he did pretty decently on, though it seemed like he was rushing through the song. Good on him for hitting the bongos during the instrumental part. Dilana was predictable in "Cat's in the Cradle," but of course the band ate it up.

Storm...oh, poor Stormy. What a crap song. There's no way to do "I Will Survive" well. Two comments from the band, one Tuesday and one yesterday, kinda made me scratch my head. Gilby referenced Marty Casey's legendary Britney Spears performance when Storm talked about it being a rough song. Bad comparison: Britney Spears, however bad, is MUCH better than friggin Gloria Gaynor. Then yesterday, Dave N. said that the version he liked was Cake's. Well, big friggin deal, Dave. You want these rockers to do someone else's version of a song, instead of making it their own? You're so full of crap, dude. Especially after Gilby ripped Patrice for not doing something "different" with hers.

The only way I think it could have worked is if you turned it into a dark, desperate emo version--essentially taking a song about surviving and making it about NOT surviving. But even then, there's a real risk of it exploding in your face.


First things first: I like the idea of them trying out a different singer on a new track each week from here on out. Their first singer? Well, big freaking shock. It's Dilana. Meh.

Here's the thing. The song is cheap and trashy, just as you'd expect. But why oh why did there have to be half-undressed dancers gyrating around them for the entire song, just a few short weeks after Gilby ranted about female leads NOT using sexuality to sell their music? Knock-knock. ("Who's there?") Why, it's Mr. Double-Standard calling! And the thing was, okay, half-naked women, I'm not surprised, but it's just so boring. Let your music sell itself, dude.

Last year, I was all about INXS by the end of the show. This year, I'll watch the show to cheer for the success of my favorite singers, but I won't bother with the actual band once it's all over. Because there's nothing new happening here.

Anyway. Encore went to Ryan, who deserved it, and did even better the second time. He's emerging as a serious contender.

The bottom three both reassured and then surprised me. Zayra and Patrice should have been there--but Magni? Are you kidding me??? Storm practically fell of her perch, because she was convinced that she was going to be up.

Well, Magni proved that the voters were crazy, because his version of "Creep" not only destroyed Lukas' previous attempt, but it cemented his spot in contention. And the "I don't belong here" that was sung so heart-felt surely applies to his position in the Bottom Three and NOT his standing in the contest.

Patrice. I'm trying to figure her out. Her weekly performances have been lackluster for several weeks, but her elimination performances have all been spectacular. She seems comatose in the first case and on fire in the second. I think it's because in elimination, she can choose her own music, so she's much more comfortable. I still am in awe of her choosing the Buckley song two weeks ago. Yes, I'm still talking about it. That's how impressed I was. She covered "Celebrity Skin" by Hole, and again Lukas' version paled in comparison. He better watch his back, because he's getting played a fool.

Zayra sang a Blue October track called "Razorblade" and did well. But it was her time to go. The axe fell, and Zayra is gone from the show.

Ladies and gentlemen, the preliminaries are over. Let the real contest begin.

So it was. A Dickensian week, and a Dickensian post, at least in length. Zayra leaving, Storm staying, and Ryan's encore--the best of times. The Supernova stripper track, continued Dilana love, and Magni being anywhere near the bottom three--the worst of times.

Who knows what will happen next week. But you know I'll be there.

And my prediction for the final results? Based on performance so far, the real, justifiable contender is Magni. Dilana will hang around but won't last. Toby and Ryan will make a good showing. Storm will be out earlier than she should, and Lukas won't last much longer. Patrice is probably gone next week, barring a Lukas or Storm meltdown. I'd kinda like to see Lukas go next week, because while I started out being a big fan of his, he's a one trick pony, he doesn't listen to advice, and he's an arrogant drunk. *Yawn* Go start a punk band and burn yourself out, Pete Doherty.


I almost forgot. Zayra's elimination means that she's soon to be taken off the "On Notice" board. Watch your back, "ugly babies"--you're next to go.

Rock\m/horns up,

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