Thursday, February 10, 2005

A Day Later...

I wanted to post something more about Ash Wednesday. More of a reflection. But, as I've told some of you, I haven't been doing a great deal of reflecting these days.

I had the opportunity last night (the same one I do every night) to unplug from the world around me, to reflect, to meditate, to find my center in the stillness of the presence of God. I had another opportunity to read the burning words, to swallow them up like Ezekiel's scroll. But I did not. I had a peanut butter sandwich. I watched more television. I don't even remember what.

I had a chance to talk for hours to my Creator, to glory in his presence, to worship at his feet. I fell asleep after a minute or two of ho-hum prayer.

My words have no meaning these days. At least, when it comes to my relationship with God, everything I say is trite. Even my worship is shallow. I mean what I'm saying, but still it feels completely empty. My prayers echo off the bedroom ceiling, bounce off the far wall, and collect in the corner next to the dirty laundry.

I tried to confess. I did. I tried to think of everything I have been doing wrong. Every subtle sin, I named. But each time I said the word "sorry," it was weakened, like a teabag brewed too often, each product looking lighter and lighter and lighter.

I'm trying to clutch a faded forgiveness. Or at least, trying to find forgiveness for my faded heart. I'm still coming up empty.

I need to give things up, not because they're bad, but because they're in the way. But I haven't the courage to try. I feel like I'm realizing this too late, that the Lenten bus has already left the station, and I'm standing with ticket in hand watching it go.

This is a stupid analogy, I know, but it's the one I have. I feel like I've missed out, that I'll have to wait until next year to try to catch this falling star again. I know it's not true. I know I can begin anew. Leave my rationalization alone, it never did you harm.

I want to make a change, not because I've hit bottom, but because I've become numb again. I've cut off some spiritual circulation, and my soul's fallen asleep.

I don't know.

Anything I write after this point feels kind of lame, considering the really awesome thoughts that some have posted.

So, I'll simply ask that you read Jeremy's post.

Then read it again.

Then read it again.

Then read it again.

Grind it straight in.

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