Monday, May 03, 2004

The Late Spring of Our Discontent

Today's been monumentally craptastic. I'm getting the travellin' bug, and have to keep telling myself "two and a half weeks to go." So today's been spent half-heartedly wasting time, while genuinely wanting to be productive. No really, boss, I want to do better. Just can't seem to get there.

I don't know why this feeling of...wanderlust, I suppose--why it strikes me ever-so-often. I guess getting in the habit of taking a road trip every three to six months during college is the cause, but outside of a general mild pain-in-the-gut loneliness, I haven't felt it quite this much since just before I went out of town last August. Now, in the past week, I've grown increasingly more restless and irritable.

Come on, I dare ya. Somebody say that it sounds like I've got "a case of the Mondays." Watch how fast I kick your ass.

I don't know. Compounding of emotions, swirling thought patterns. Couldn't get to sleep for over an hour last night, just friggin thinking too much.

Here's the skinny, friends and lovers. To abuse a colloquialism, I'm kinda sweet on somebody. And I'm getting the vibe that she may be thinking the same thing about me. But "the vibe", fickle thing that it is, has led me astray many times before. Those of you who've known me the longest can attest to this. To quote the great DJ Rob Gordon, "I've been thinking with my guts since I was fifteen years old. And I'm convinced that..." Well, you fill in the rest. Further compound this confusion with the fact that I'm not sure this is something I should be pursuing at all, for myriad reasons too involved to discuss here. Let's boil it down to this: I'm hesitant, not from fear of rejection (Lord knows I've had enough experience with that for it to lose its sting) but from fear of reciprocity. Fear of then realizing later on that she's not the mythical "one." And having to do the honorable thing and break her heart.

And if all of this sounds overwhelmingly self-important or arrogant to you, kindly hit the "Back" button on your browser and go on about your websurfing. Jackass.

I don't know. Part of me says that I'm overthinking all of this. Another part says underthinking would be a mistake. A third part of me says that the other two parts are being stupid and overly cerebral. A fourth part of me told the third part to shut up. The third part pushed the fourth part. The fourth part just kicked the third part in the crotch. A fifth part just sent the third and fourth parts to the box for two minutes each (roughing).

Disregard the last paragraph. I'm typing under the influence of The Flaming Lips.

Speaking of: I was able to see them live (by satellite) on the Jimmy Kimmel Show the other night. If you haven't seen them live (or by satellite)...well, I can't really describe it to you justly. Let's just say that lots and lots of acid are probably involved. People in full-body animal costumes dancing in the background. And playing in the band. Sid and Marty Kroft would have been proud.

Anyway, back to subject.

Yeah, so that's part of the groundwork for "Short Form." In case you were curious.

What does this have to do with wanderlust? I think part of me (just kidding), rather, part of the reason is that I can recenter while on this trip. One more OBU trip to realign the gauges and put a nice cap on the experience. I know, it puts too much pressure and expectation on my experience of the trip. What can I say, I like to manufacture disappointment. But seriously, I'm hoping this will be a good trip. Lots of introspection, combined with a great deal of Rainbow Grilled Cheese Supreme and a helping of Hamburger King potato wedges.

What's funny is that my heart is still there in Shawnee. If home is where the heart is, then in two weeks I'm gonna try to move back down here to Houston, once and for all. One of my most beloved friends (who I've been accused of being "totally gay with") recently noted that I'm on the verge of closing the book on this part of my life. And while I know I need to (emotional growing pains and all), I don't want to. Really, who wants to leave college?

Funny that this week is the finale of "Friends." Hmm.

Maybe once I can close this book, I'll be ready to open another.

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