Friday, December 31, 2004

The 2004 "Slackie" Award Winners

Well, friends, the fix--I mean, results are in. Without further ado, here are your winners.

The 2004 Slackie for "Movie of the Year":

You picked: Eternal Sunshine of the Spotless Mind

And the Winner is: Garden State.

(Remember, I already announced this one.) Though ESOTSM is an incredibly tight second. But I think, when all else cancels out, tie goes to the soundtrack. GS wins, hands down.

The 2004 Slackie for "Album of the Year":

You Picked: "How to Dismantle an Atomic Bomb", U2 (since all but two of you picked separate albums!)

And the Winner is: U2.

Oh, come on, like this is a big surprise. What can I say, my favorite band, my pick. Beautiful, deep album. I'm still picking up on things in it.

The 2004 Slackie for "News Story of the Year":

You picked: A three-way tie between Abu Ghraib, the Red Sox, and Saddam's capture. Kelly could have picked the winner, and he chose the death of Dimebag Darrell. Hey, go with your heart, dude.

And the Winner is: The 2004 presidential election.

I know, I know, withhold your barrage of rotten vegetables. Look, no matter what you thought about the process or the outcome, this was the story that EVERYONE was talking about ALL YEAR LONG. And they're still talking. More ink and internet electrons were spilled over this story than any other this year. And I'll give it its due. (My second pick would have been Abu Ghraib, but it's a distant second.)

The 2004 Slackie for Condiment of the Year:

You picked: Mustard. It made a run at the end. But I counted "spicy-deli mustard" as a mustard vote; consider it a "hanging-chad" issue. You "ranch" and "ketchup" people may want to demand a recount.

And the Winner is: A1 "Bold and Spicy" Steak Sauce.

Come on, people--it's two condiments for the price of one. You got your A1, you got your Tabasco. It's tasty AND economical.

The 2004 Slackie for Newsmaker You'd Most like to Slap/Talk to sternly:

You picked: In a tight race, Martha Stewart and Jerry Fallwell tied with 3 votes each. GWB and MM each got 2.5 votes (split decisions count as half-votes). Gee, Will, if you'd have participated, we'd have a clear winner. Thanks a lot.

And the Winner is: Jerry Fallwell.

That's me side-stepping the political minefield. Come on, if anyone deserves to be b***h-slapped, it's him. Geez.

The 2004 Slackie for News Anchor/Reporter/Pundit You'd Most Like to Slap/T.t.s.:

You picked: Rush Limbaugh. No big surprise there. A strong showing for Ann Coulter and Katie Couric, as well. Oh, and one "make out" vote for Couric. Gross, dude.

And the Winner is: Ann Coulter.

Here's my process. First, I eliminated anyone recently on drugs and/or too ridiculous to be taken seriously. Which cleared the field. So I gave it to Coulter, for showing us some leg in the photo. Plus, she's so embarrassing, I almost want to self-identify as an Independent.

The 2004 Slackie for TV Show of the Year:

You picked: Lost. Everyone loves that show, it seems. Unfortunately, I have a conflict. Since it goes up against...

And the Winner is: Smallville.

Blatant favoritism triumphs again! Fine, laugh it off as another lame WB show, but not only are the story arcs consistently well-written (except for a few odd episodes this season), but the show is beautifully shot and well-acted. That, and Lois (Erica Durance) is pretty much a fox.

The 2004 Slackie for Media Circus of the Year:

You picked: Janet Jackson's "costume glitch." (I use the term, and the pervs will pull me up during google searches.) Your pick by an overwhelming margin.

And the Winner is: The Scott Peterson trial.

I think every single newscast by Greta Van Susteren (she of the odd-looking mouth) this year was about this trial. I finally started screaming at the TV, "MY GOOOOOOD!!! MAKE IT STOOOOOOOP!!!!" And that's when my parents started turning off the news every time I came over.

The 2004 Slackie for Most Bogus New Celebrity (The "Your 15 Minutes are Up" Award):

You picked: A tie between Ashlee Lip-Sync-son and Lindsay Low-cut. And one kind vote for Aristotle. He's feeling the love now, thanks.

And the Winner is: Ashlee "Wrong Song/Band Mistake/Acid Reflux" Simpson

(Avril Lavigne called--she wants her career back.) Hot or not, your sister is hella annoying. And guess what, sweetheart--you're worse. Buh-bye.

The 2004 Slackie for Most Bogus Lingering Celebrity (The "You're Still Here?!?" Award):

You picked: Paris Hilton. By a landslide.

And the Winner is: Paris.

Congratulations for being unsexy, uninteresting, untalented, and STILL capturing the attention of millions. You ARE the American Dream.

The 2004 Slackie for Lamest Athlete of the Year (The "I'm Not a Role Model" Award):

You picked: Sammy Sosa.

And the Winner is: Sammy.

We let Moises Alou go and kept YOUR sorry ass? No wonder we suck.

The 2004 Slackie for Blog of the Year:

You picked: Seven different blogs. And only one of them was mine. Sheesh. It was a softball question, people.

And the Winner is: Dooce.

Since I won't vote for myself (how desperate would that be) and it's hard to choose among you, I again went for someone who never reads the page. It may be offensive to those with weak stomachs, but it's also really, really funny. And her baby is uber-cute. Uber-cute babies sway the panel of judges pretty easily.


As for the last three categories, due to low voter turnout, the only clear winner that can be declared is The Slackie "Waambulance Award" for Whiniest PBB Post of 2004:

And the Winner (you picked) is: the "Crapiversary" post.

I didn't think it was that whiny.


Thanks to everyone who participated, and we look forward to seeing you next year for the 2005 Slackie Award voting! Maybe we'll even have actual nominations, and the votes will count, and everything. (Remind me about this in November.)

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