"Spam, Eggs and Spam, Spam Bacon and Spam, Spam Spam Cheese Bacon and Spam, Spam..."

To quote Dr. Emmit Brown, "they found me, I don't know how but they've found me."

The "they" being, of course, America Online.

My recent dealings with the Internet version of a New York slumlord ("you'll accept my services at my price, OR ELSE!!!") were humorous, mainly because i wasn't the one being questioned about alleged ties to the adult entertainment industry. For the record, no, she wasn't using her email to solicit porn, someone had hacked into her account.

But now, after changing my preferred email account to avoid the (minimum) thirty to forty unsolicited SPAM emails i received daily, I have now been tracked down by AOL (Always On the Lookout?). They offered me a "free trial offer" of 1025 hours to try their product. Gee, I've passed on all the plethora of CD's that are floating around the world, available in every marketplace and business establishment imaginable. But since you've taken all the trouble to email me personally, Sure, I'll try your 1025 hours of free "service."

Really, 1025 hours. In six weeks. That's 22.8 hours a day, using the internet. Assuming i could conceivably do so, without considering work or, i don't know, sleep, for that matter, I would still have to figure out of every hour or so ten minutes in which i get knocked offline and have to log back on. That's over 170 hours i LOSE because AOL sucketh. That's 3.8 hours every day spent waiting to get back online.

Thanks, AOL, but, um, no thanks. And if you ever email me again, I will make sure you are miserable for the rest of your pathetic lives. You will pray for death, but death will not come to you. You will think you are in hell, but then the tortures i will wreak upon you will increase beyond your darkest imaginings of pain and torment. Because i am SICK AND TIRED of SPAM emails about your STUPID OFFERS.