Bright and Shiny, Bright and Shiny...
I was accosted by a cult member last Thursday. Okay, she was a college student (maybe) who tried to sell me magazine subscriptions. Really well-trained, really slick. I'll demonstrate.
Walks up to me, backing me up until i'm pinned against the truck, breaking the three-foot personal space buffer-zone, and begins: "Hi! My name is Brandi** how are you doing that's great I'm doing a project for my communications class and was wondering if you could help me out can you do that aw thanks so much High Five! [we did] so what's your name [Dave] hi dave how are you doing lemme tell you what the project is all about i'm trying to earn 70,000 personality points so i can win a thousand dollars [at this point she holds up the card to show me the gimmick, while still crowding me] have you ever had a thousand dollars all at once i sure haven't and if i win that i could also win a trip to London Paris or Cancun now tell me dave do you drink be honest [nope] never?[nope, never] wow well are you in school not in school working non-working [out of school, graduated, working as a teacher] wow that's great what school did ya go to [i tell her] oh well that makes sense [no, i was just the designated driver all the time] oh okay gotcha so what i want you to do for me now if you can is take a look at this card here [holds up second card] now you see all those words there they are magazine titles now what are you into dave cars music cute girls in their underwear no playboys not on the list but i get 50 points for these titles and 30 points for..."
And thus, the penny drops. She was making a sale. Pathetic. I turned her down. Made a bit more small talk, blah blah blah, then she thanked me [handshake for good luck?] and was on her way.
Swear to god, she sounded just like that. The only time she used recognizable punctuation was when i told her i didn't drink.
You know what? I hate sales people. Even more than cult members. Because cult members make it clear what they're trying to sell you. Sales people want you to think they're doing you a favor, instead of the other way around. Argh.
**Not her real name, but god it could have been. Something ending with an "i", at any rate. With a heart instead of a dot above it. Those people... anyway.