Friday, February 23, 2007

Frustration and Self-pity.

It's 6:40 p.m. on a Friday night, and I'm at work. I could be here for a few hours more.

I'm incredibly irritated right now.

I got to work today entirely resistant to the prospect, and have remained resistant all day long. I've frittered, I've surfed, I've spaced, I've goofed. And I haven't really worked.

And now it's dinnertime. And I'm still here. And it doesn't look like I will be leaving anytime soon.

I just don't want to work today. At all.

You know what I want? I want one of you beautiful freaks to get online, so I can IM you and we can talk and I can feel actually connected to somebody tonight.

I'm feeling very lonely right now.


I had my blasted associate pastor asking me yesterday if there was "anyone in my life right now." I made up some BS answer about being very content with where God has me, and really trying to focus on doing the best I can in my work and in my Sunday School ministry opportunities.

It was at least a partial lie.

Here's the answer, Pastor Scott:

I'd love to have someone in my life, but I can't figure out if the problem is them or me. I know I've got a lot to fix about myself (here comes that ol' "gotta fix myself" excuse), but I don't think that should stop me from trying to meet new people and grow new relationships. The problem is that I'm scared to death of doing that. Stepping out, sticking my neck out, it frightens me. I've been putting on a good show about being cool with my life right now, and it's true that I'm feeling very content most of the time, but as my life and circumstances continue to gel and improve, I find myself wanting all the more to have someone to share it with. And I know that it starts with me, right? Because I'm "the guy" and I'm supposed to "take the initiative." But there aren't any girls in my life that I want to take the initiative with. I suppose I need to expand my circle, but right now, there's just too much going on and too many moving parts and too many confusing feelings and too much of me in my life. I want this to change, because I haven't dated anyone in over four years. I haven't been on a single date. In over four years. Today I idly looked at my horoscope in a newspaper--and I know I shouldn't even give that nonsense any attention, so spare me that sermon--and it said something to the effect of libras becoming luckier in love, and that singles like myself will meet someone soon who will open up new avenues romantically. And I have to tell you, Pastor, I've never wanted a horoscope to be true so much before today. But even as I read it, it seemed like some kind of cruel diabolical joke, as if the Enemy is taunting me with false prophecies. And it just stings all the more, because it seems like that's nothing like my future. Some days, my future looks like an unending schedule of weekends split between family and church, and night after night of Netflix and ice cream (with a side of self-contempt for eating too much ice cream). And unless something radical and frightening happens, and my schedule and system and finally comfortable life somehow shakes and shatters and reassembles itself to leave room for someone else, that's how it looks like it's going to stay. And I'm trying so hard to find contentment in God and to leave this part of my heart up to Him, but it's just getting harder and harder to ignore the gnawing inside. The jealousy that I have for friends getting married and having kids. The bitterness that I feel towards anyone in a relationship. The contempt for the spouters of sayings and platitudes, who tell me to wait just a little bit longer. And it feels so petty and shallow, so ungrateful of me to demand of God, "All these things you've provided is well and good, but you haven't given me this one thing that I want, and I'm furious about it." But that's where I'm at. About 85% of the time, I'm basking in the love of God, and enjoying where my life is heading, but in that last 15% I tumble into restlessness and discontent. I alternate between blaming myself and blaming others. I pay lipservice to faith, but bemoan its futility under my breath. And I spend every day trying to reject the lie that I don't deserve to be happy this way. I know I need to reject this line of reasoning, but it's getting harder. And though I'm still "so young," I feel so friggin old. And I feel unwanted. And that sucks. That's my answer, Pastor. Thank you for asking.

I know I said I'd post less emotastic nonsense, but screw it. I need to get this off my chest.

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