The Best of Teacherdave: College Edition

Since I'm lazy, instead of coming up with new material, I'll just repost something I wrote elsewhere.

I found this last night--an article I wrote for the college newspaper in the early fall of 1999 about the upcoming intramural sports seasons. I thought it was funny. Hope you enjoy it.

(Reprinted in its entirety, without permission, because, well, I wrote the dang thing. Come and get me, Bison!)

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Ah, the smell of freshly-cut grass, the sweet sounds of referee's whistles, and the sight of my classmates drenched with sweat and covered with a mix of grass and blood--these clues can only mean one thing. It's the beginning of the OBU intramural season!

Oklahoma Baptist University has one of the best intramural sports programs in the western world. The programs are so intense, it is rumored that the U.S. government implemented our methods into the Navy Seals training program last fall. Unfortunately, only two men survived it, so it was quickly dropped, but the fact remains: OBU's intramural sports are the cream of the crop!

As we are all preparing for the start of the flag football, volleyball, and basketball seasons (among others), it's important to remember some basic rules for surviving, uh, I mean, succeeding this season:

1) Be prepared to buy a large amount of aspirin and bandages. The reason for this is simple: you will get injured. Last fall, we set a record for injuries--twenty-seven broken bones, three dozen knee sprains, and one decapitation (don't worry, he's okay!).

[When we consider the origin of the word "intramural" this isn't surprising. The word "intramural" is comprised of two Latin roots: intra-, meaning "internal"; and -mural, meaning "hemorraging."]

2) Feel free to argue each and every call with the officials. This even applies to calls that go your way. After all, what do referees know, anyway? Their jobs are entirely too easy, aren't they? Go ahead: argue, complain, yell, scream, and spit at them. Don't worry about hurting their feelings, either. It isn't as if they were actual people, right? Note: pick your battles wisely, because some officials have been known to hold grudges. Yes, they will remember you.

3) Nothing fuels the fires of competition like bitterness. If you are playing your hallmate's team next week, begin the trash-talking now. Hang signs up to anger them, trash their room, take their uniform and hide it. Though they may seem really upset now, believe me, they'll realize later that you were only adding to the enjoyment of the game. And eventually, they may even start talking to you again.

4) Encourage individual accomplishment. This means trying to prove your ability on every play. Those who preach the joys of "team effort" are only wanting you to carry the slack for the horrible players on your team. Forget about them! Do all that you can to make every play, score every point, and win every game. Although your teammates will get jealous and try to remove you from the team, keep working at it. Someday, they will see what an asset you were, instead of just an ... nevermind.

5)Finally, be sure to have fun. After all, there has to be some good reason for going out every week and being beaten to a pulp by some lineman or center named "Fridge." Intramural sports are meant to be an outlet for the enjoyment and physical excercise of OBU's students. If you aren't enjoying yourself, then you're wasting your time...and five bucks.

Hopefully, these few guidelines will help you have a more enjoyable and successful intramural sports season. Play hard, be safe, and have fun. Unfortunately, I will be unable to participate this year, but I will be with you in spirit.

And I promise to visit you in the hospital.