Friday, October 17, 2008


If you don't know what this is...I'm too sick to explain it. Sorry.

(Why am I doing this when I'm tired, sick, and need to go home? Who knows where thoughts come from--they just appear.)


1. "A Message to You, Rudy" by The Specials
"Stop your messing around/Better think of your future." Hahaha. I know, I know. ...I told someone recently that I felt like I've been in a holding pattern. I mentioned this before. In the last few days, I've gotten some odd impulses. Impulses of the "i wanna leave my job and do this" variety. Random, sudden, major changes. And I don't know if I really want to do these things, or if I'm just so desparate to break the stagnation that I'm willing to do something drastic. Bad decisions are often made that way, so I need to be careful.

2. "Everybody's Gotta Learn Sometime" by Beck
"Change your heart, look around you..." The last time I got my heart really good and broken, I made the colossal mistake of not setting the bone properly. I didn't do the right things to get it put back together. I turned inward. I ate too much. I fed my depression with books and movies and music that let me wallow in my selfishness and misery. And while I'm not in the sorry state I was all those years ago, I'm still dealing with the effects of those decisions. I never learned how to trust. I never relearned how to see myself properly, instead of in terms of others' approval. As a result, I've been scared of stepping out, scared of risking my feelings or pride or reputation. I've only asked out one girl in the last six plus years. And that attempt was so weak and half-hearted that the poor girl probably didn't realize what I was getting on about. And while part of me is really ready to stop being so scared and childish, I still feel like I need to rebreak and reset my heart before I can be strong enough for the next big thing.

3. "Come Clean" by Harrod & Funck
"You don't really know me/The watery muck flowing through my veins..." I think it's a fair thing to say I've been afraid for the last several years. Afraid of making mistakes. Afraid of letting people down. Afraid of not living up to my own expectations. Afraid of losing weight because it gave me an excuse for why women aren't attracted to me. Afraid of telling people about my faith because I'm so often corrupted and easily swayed by the crowd around me. Afraid of doing something different than I have been doing. Afraid of writing a book and finding out it's garbage and I'm a hack. Afraid of saying no to people who ask things of me. Unfortunately, the realization isn't enough.

4. "Turpentine" by Elvis Costello and the Imposters
"...with a song in my heart that is longing to break..." You know, some of my favorite songs are sad ones. Full of longing and fury and heartbreak. Songs of people wronged or people who have wronged others. Songs full of self-pity, self-loathing, nostalgia, and cruel remembrance. This is music I seem to connect to: music that stirs me in ways that many shiny happy tracks never do. This may be a flaw in my character, my Achilles heel. I know, this is common knowledge. But earlier this afternoon, I was nearly moved to tears by a Jeff Buckley song with this kind of keening lament. And it frustrates me that other things in my life don't connect with me on such a raw, emotional level. I don't know. Some folks just ain't happy without a lost love to mourn--even if they have to borrow someone else's to do so.

5. "Beat It" by Richard Cheese
The best version ever of this Michael Jackson classic begins with a somber piano intro, and ends with a lounge-style singalong. Who knew.


Okay, enough confession. Time to rest and wait out this inevitable "crud" that's settling in my head/chest.

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