Tuesday, June 17, 2008

Hello Again, Hello

Poor sad blog. Feels like I've been neglecting you, hasn't it?

Well, while I'm not "back" in any sense, here's something to tide you over until I have time to drop some linky love on ya: from the brain of Dave, thoughts mostly unfiltered. Basically here's what I've been mulling over or thinking about lately.

[Warning: Reflective. Reader beware.]

1. I worry about my folks. My dad still doesn't have a job, though he has a really good lead on one, and his second interview went well today. But the job will require a lot of travel, and I'm worried that, now that my parents have come through this difficult financial period with their marriage miraculously being as strong as ever, somehow that will be weakened or at least attacked by being apart half the time. After 28 years of being together, I should have more faith in them to weather these storms, but I'm still worried. Some of you have dealt with broken families, and I've tried to walk with you and support you through that. Though I have no reason to worry, I'm afraid of it nonetheless.

2. Last night, laying in bed, I imagined telling someone exactly how I felt about them, just completely unloading, and I felt a wave of relief after I was done venting to the darkness. But I know it was an illusion. Those emotions are still unexpressed, the tension is still there, and I can't make it go away. No, I really can't.

3. I miss being a poet. ("Being a poet" sounds so pretentious.) How about this, I miss writing poetry. I miss feeling creative. And I know I have the keys to fixing that, as simply as just doing it again, but something's missing. And there are other things pressing in to demand my attention right now.

4. There are moments when you come to your senses and realize that there are some things that are just completely out of balance in your life. This is one of those moments for me.

5. I'm teaching through the book of James at church, and so far it's been one of the most challenging teaching experiences I've had. When you teach the Bible, I think you take the full-force of the hit first, before you deliver it to anyone else. In His sovreignty, God always allows me to prepare the lesson/sermon I need to hear most that week. So far, we've talked about faith in hard times, and recognizing temptation as the lie that God isn't enough. Next on the bill: faith without works is dead and useless, and having "true religion" means caring for the orphan and widow, and keeping yourself unstained by the world. I should've worn my steel-toed booties for this one.

6. In the last few years, my great downfall continues to be a lack of self control. I've gotten soft. I have no discipline. And now it's making it difficult to do the things in my life that should be automatic. Instead of being a meat-eater, I'm finding that, in certain areas, I'm still a milk-baby. And while I recognize that I can't do in me what the Spirit must do in me, I have to repeat James' admonition: faith without works is dead. Faith in the sanctifying work of the Spirit without the willingness to follow His lead in the daily gruntwork of holiness, is dead.

7. I didn't get very much done today, and I really need to. I've had a hard time concentrating at work. I'll chase after every possible distraction, and it's frustrating. This is not the kind of worker I want to be. Not the type of person. I feel lousy about this. But today I stared at my inbox and felt overwhelmed. I shouldn't. There's nothing here I'm not fully capable of accomplishing. But I still felt overwhelmed.

8. I think the fact that I haven't gotten completely silly about a girl I've become attracted to, and am able to recognize that key differences in our personal beliefs and goals would make it difficult if not impossible to pursue a future together, is a big step forward for me. Of course, the big step forward has taken place entirely in my head and without her knowledge, so I don't know if it really counts as personal growth. It may just be more of my trademark overthinking.

9. I have so many important things to figure out, plan, and carry out in the next 6 weeks, that I want to crawl under the covers, put my pillow over my head, and hide from the world for a month or two. I'm pretty sure this is the opposite of manhood.

10. If I had a time machine, I'd go back to fall of 1998, find PastDave at the OBU cafeteria, slap the extra bowl of Golden Grahams and the glass of chocolate milk off his tray, and say, "Just because you CAN doesn't mean you SHOULD, you stupid bastard." Then I'd punch PastDave in the stomach. Some guys lament that they reached 250 lbs. I wish I could get back to that. That's my pie-in-the-sky dream weight. The prospect of losing the extra weight I've been carrying seems so incredibly daunting. It's tempting to give up, give in, and be an overeater. I find myself starting to, and I have to claw back from the gorge.

In general, right now I just feel like I've made so many mistakes already, so many stupid choices that I can't undo. I should have stayed in shape. Gotten better grades. Started writing sooner and more consistently. Gone out with this girl instead of that one. All of these regrets, all of these things I can't change. But it's narcissism, right, to obsess about this. Instead of staring down into the pool to bask in my own beauty, I'm tempted to look back and count all the ways I've screwed up over the years. Yet I know, and I cling to the knowledge, that it wasn't all a wash. That God used it and good came out of it. And I try to move on.

I'm not depressed, I'm just frustrated. I know better. I should have done better. But done-bun can't be undone. So all that's left is to make the best of things.

I just hate that, at 27, I already feel like I have to "make the best of things."

Time to go. Turn off the light on your way out, if you don't mind.

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