Weekly Whirled News

Now, for your news briefs (or boxers, if you prefer...).

The Dow broke ten thousand this week. In response to economists predicting the the upcoming fiscal year will be the best in the last two decades, the nine Democratic candidates stuck their fingers in their ears, closed their eyes, and shook there heads, saying "Nyuh-uh, nyuh-uh, nyuh-uh..."

More bombings, more killings, more destruction in Iraq. You'd think these people would be more grateful that we had the, um, guts, to show up to overthrow the mass-murder's regime. (For those of you who insist that it was the wrong thing, and that Saddam should have been left in power, go ask the families of the thousands of people in almost three hundred mass graves that have been discovered so far. )

In related news, France, Russia, Germany, and China, among others, are miffed that they won't be first in line to receive reconstruction contracts. One report quoted French president Chirac as saying, "C'mon, man, we called "dibbs", like, two years ago."

Former VP and disputed presidential runner-up Al Gore endorsed Howard Dean for the Democratic nod this week, to the surprise of everyone, including former Gore running-mate Joe Lieberman. Lieberman response: "Hey man, that's not kosher." (Cheap joke, I apologize.)

Dean's an interesting character. It seems like he's trying to be everything to everyone. At one rally of mostly Af-Am voters, Dean's reported to have said, "Hey, I've got soul." Sources are unclear, but some reports indicate that his next words were, "And I'm super-bad."

In sports, the Houston Astros signed Yankees ace Andy Petite. Doesn't matter, the Cubs will still beat them. And then lose in the playoffs. Ugh.

Several Major League baseball players are being questioned about their use of a new kind of "enhancement drug" which is reported to be an until-now untraceable analog of steriods. When questioned about his use of the drug, San Francisco Giant Barry Bonds said, "What? My arms have *always* been the size of VW Beetles. Now if you'll excuse me, I need to go get a...protein shake."

The Houston Texans football team is still struggling to get their franchise-high sixth win. When you have more injured players than healthy ones, that will happen. The Texans had to start their third-string quarterback last week. I think his name was Bob, the peanut vendor. At least we'll host the Super Bowl.