Mid-week. I'm pretty tired. I haven't been very disciplined about getting to bed early enough to not feel like a zombie when I stroll into work (late) the next morning.
Day-work is going okay. Very busy. I feel myself starting to slip behind, so I'm hoping to stop the skid and make up the ground soon, before I get myself in too big of a hole. I've been digging myself out of such holes my entire life. Well past time to start on a different course.
Night-work is going really well. I've been blessed with enough sales that I've staked my claim as a top-level caller. Praise God for His provision. So yeah. I need to kick it into gear tonight and tomorrow, in order to score some bonus hours and pay from my awesome Aussie boss.
Reading "Will in the World" by Stephen Greenblatt. It's a great biography of Shakespeare that I'd highly recommend thusfar. I'm almost a third of the way through it. Good stuff.
Speaking of literature, I noticed at the grocery store book rack that the final installment of the Dark Tower series is now in paperback. So those of you who are considering making Roland's journey now have a more cost-effective option. I also saw that Norrell and Strange (or is it "Strange and Norrell"?) is in paperback. I was thisclose to grabbing it, but better sense prevailed. I can probably find it cheaper than 8 bucks in a few months anyway. Plenty on my shelf to read until then.
On the literary front, the Huggins story is the only "writing" I've done in about a month. I'm excited about it, but time and tide demand I wait until Friday to finish. I hope it will be worth the wait. I'm actually kicking around some alternate storylines, and follow-up tales. It could stretch into a few different pieces. So I'm excited about how that will work out.
No, I'm not going to talk about RockStar. Stop asking.
On the personal front...well, not much. I had a brief bout of vocational discontent that has subsided. The day job has been grinding lately, but I'm making it work. Either that, or I'm slipping into a gauzy apathy. Either works for me.
Right now, my focus is on paying off debts and taking care of my Sunday School class. Sorry to say, I haven't been as faithful to the diet as I was in the past, and as a result, my weight has fluctuated a bit over the past month. I'm not making any kind of forward progress. But there's only so much attention I can give to things before I start to lose my grip. So, I'm prioritizing. Debt reduction and church ministry are on the top of the pile. Next is weight loss and writing.
I got a call last night from yet another married friend of mine, announcing that they are expecting their first child. I told him how happy I was for them.
No, really. I am happy for them. Just...a little annoyed, too.
I'm just about to start my slide down the far side of the 20's, and I find myself no closer to "wife and family" than I was at the end of college. Strike that--I find myself even further from the prospect of such things than I was at the end of college.
I've been told all the reassuring things you're supposed to tell people. "Don't worry, you're so young!" "The right one is out there!" "The minute you stop looking, the right person will show up!" "Don't give up; you'll find your match one day!"
But that old tyrant clock keeps a'tick-tick-ticking along. And the fact of the matter is, I'm tired of being "crazy uncle Dave!" to a flock of babies and toddlers.
I want to be "Daddy." I really really really do.
So when my friend called me last night, I was happy. But I was also a little envious. And it reminded me that, for whatever God's reason, my desires are still being deferred.
I know there's something I can do about that. I could be proactive in the search for the future Mrs. Teacherdave. But I don't know if I want to. I don't know if I really want to risk it.
Most days, I can barely handle my life as it is. I'm living on the verge of being overwhelmed every day by all the stupid little things that comprise my still-simple single life. And in these moments, I have to smack myself in the forehead and think, "Dave, you couldn't ask any woman to be a party to this trainwreck of yours." It's a negative thought, but not a wholly false one.
I'm a mess, gang. I'm fun, and funny, and clever, sure. I'm good to invite to parties. But I'm also selfish and lazy and easily angered, which makes me a lousy candidate for a relationship. My singleness may be God's second-greatest grace to womankind, come to think of it. But this is who I am right now. I want to change, certainly. But I don't want to have to work at changing right now--there's only so much self-improvement one can attempt at one time. For now, my goal is just to stop getting called by creditors on a daily basis. That, and make sure I'm not instructing my Bible study group in heresy. Gotta keep an eye on that.
But I didn't just say I couldn't handle the addition of a "social life," did I? I said I coudln't "risk" it.
There's the bald fact of it: I'm scared of getting back out there again. I've had enough of upfront rejections. Heck, that was almost all of my high school experience. (Except for this one girl who was kind of obsessive and clingy. She made me a little uncomfortable, back then. Maybe I should try to look her up sometime? Kidding. Sort of.)
But I've been out of the dating world for so long that I've reverted back to my awkward youth. (Who am I kidding--I never stopped being awkward. I just happened to find a few truly kind women who looked past it.) And I don't know how to be suave or mature or adult. My dating style is still "awkward, unsure teenager."
And I have to confess, I feel a bit like the best chance for me is past. All the cool women I know, the ones that I would totally ask out, are either already married or living separate lives far, far away. I had my chance, I guess, but I didn't seize it.
[I know, this is all very Xanga-like. You brought it on yourselves, those of you who wanted personal posting.]
Serendipity: Currently playing on the compy--"You'll be loved, you'll be loved, like you never have known/And the memories of me will seem more like bad dreams/Just a series of blurs, like I never occured/Someday you will be loved..."
Well, I think that's enough verbal effluence for now. Tune in tomorrow when I try to regain some shred of diginity by posting about something less whiny and embarrassing.