Things I Learned at the Wedding/Reception

• Don't miss the irony of the ritzy antebellum villa being across the street from the Salvation Army soup kitchen. The poor ye shall always have with you; don't pretend like they're not there.
• Churches can be de-sanctified by the Catholic church. This doesn't stop people from using them to enter into holy matrimony. Don't make any assumptions based on these facts.
• Take a hint from mid-nineteenth century German church construction: worship was not intended to be a comfortable, consumer-friendly experience. No padding, no reclining, no individual stadium seating. Sit up, face forward, and listen.
• Children + somber events of any kind = squawking, crying, gabbering, stage-whispered questions, and other distractions. If you invite friends who have young children, just expect and accept it. It's the price you pay for including these loved ones in your special event.
• As funny as it would be to see the larger man who's sitting in the wooden folding chair with the cracked leg fall backwards and cause a ridiculous scene, it is indeed the right thing to do to switch out his chair when he gets up for another glass of wine. Kindness always matters.
• The woman with the tatoo of the Chinese character between her shoulderblades and the excessive decolletage is invariably hitting the open bar the hardest in the opening hour of the event. There is probably a mathematical formula for this.
• When a bunch of college students/grads/ex-pats sit around and bag on their former university for no good reason, it really does sound like a bunch of petty whining by pseudo-disaffected upper-middle-class kids. And yeah, that's pretty sad.
• Your stories are less interesting to everyone else than you think. Take it as a clear sign when they decide while you're mid-sentence that they suddenly need their drink refreshed and get up from the table.
• If you take a date to your friend's wedding, don't ditch them for a half-hour at a time. Especially when they don't know anybody there. And even more especially when they flew a great distance to see you. Because really, it just shows how much of an utterly classless jerk you are.
• When the music shifts from generic country and standard wedding-reception fare to the likes of 50 Cent and Flava Flav, it's time to embrace the bride, shake the groom's hand, say goodbye to your friends, and beat a hasty retreat.
• Being happy for others is not so hard after all. The first step, as it is for so many good and useful tasks in life, is just to get over yourself.