Fan Fiction

It was the worst day of CTU Agent Jack Bauer's life--again.

After disarming four of five suitcase nukes, he boards a military helicopter to fly him from one side of Los Angeles to the other, since (for the first time in years) he can't drive that same distance in a matter of mere minutes. Suddenly, the co-pilot turns around and--GASP!--it's the terrorist leader Jack has spent all day torturing people to find. The three soldiers in the back of the chopper with him--DOUBLE GASP!--all terrorists, who point their machine guns at him.

The madman shouts, gun in hand, "Very well, Agent Bauer, we come to the endgame. You happen to be sitting in front of the last nuclear device, which is set to go off in a matter of minutes. We are going to fly into the highest building in the city as the bomb is about to go off, so as to make a grand statement about the decadence of Western civilization. Or I'll drop it on the Staples Center, since I hate the Lakers. Either way, your puny way of life will be crushed at its very core!!!"

Just then, Jack flies into action, disarming all three captors holding him at gunpoint, and throwing each of them off the helicopter and on to the suburbs of Los Angeles, two hundred feet below. And even though the terrorist leader starts firing his pistol, Jack manages to not get shot, because he's faster than a speeding bullet! He knocks out the pilot and the terrorist with an unopened can of Coke, pushes the pilot out of the cockpit and onto the rush-hour traffic down below. Just as the helicopter is about to crash as well, Jack pulls up on the stick and turns the whirlybird west, towards the ocean.

There are only mere minutes left before the nuclear device explodes. Chloe O'Brien, ace computer whiz from CTU, calls him on his cellphone. He quickly explains to her what just happened.

"But Jack, what are you planning to do?"

"MY BEST BET IS TO PUT THIS THING IN THE WATER! THAT SHOULD LIMIT THE NUMBER OF CASUALTIES!"

"But Jack, can't you land it and try to disarm it?"

"THERE'S NO TIME!!!"

"What about you? What's going to happen to you, Jack? I can't lose you again! I...love you!"

"I LOVE YOU TOO, CHLOE. THOUGH OUR RELATIONSHIP HAS BEEN STRICTLY PROFESSIONAL FOR MANY YEARS, I HAVE ALWAYS HARBORED A SECRET LOVE FOR YOU THAT HAS BLOSSOMED ALL THE MORE AS YOU HAVE COME INTO YOUR OWN AS A TOP AGENT AND A TRUE PATRIOT. IF ONLY I COULD DO THINGS OVER AGAIN; SO MANY THINGS WOULD BE DIFFERENT. SADLY, THERE IS NO GOING BACK NOW. IF THERE WERE ANY WAY I COULD SURVIVE THIS IMPENDING CRASH, I PROMISE YOU THAT I WOULD SWEEP YOU UP IN MY ARMS AND SAY ALL THE THINGS THAT OUR TWO HEARTS HAVE SCARCELY HAD COURAGE TO FEEL FOR LO THESE MANY--"

"Jack, the bomb's about to blow!"

"OH. RIGHT. SORRY."

Jack realizes he's now a mile and a half off-shore. He lets go of the controls and runs to the back of the chopper, which is starting to careen downward. The terrorist leader wakes up. "Holy crap!" he yells, uncharacteristically. Jack dives out of the chopper (somehow missing the tail blades), and into the water. The chopper sails onward for several hundred yards before landing in the water with a massive explosion. Seconds later, a larger, more ominous blast is seen, vaporizing the water for miles. Jack, impervious to nuclear blasts, walks back to "shore" on dry land.

Meanwhile, along the ocean floor, Aquaman, King of Atlantis, is approaching Los Angeles for his yearly vacation. Suddenly, he feels the vibration of an explosion above him. He swims upward to investigate, and the second blast knocks him back downward against the rock of the continental shelf.

And Aquaman died.