Ladies and Gentlmen, welcome to...
The 2006 PBB "Slackie" Awards!!!
And here's your host, Dave!
I'm a pirate, ARRRRGH!!!
Well, ladies and gents, it's a pleasure to be here. Instead of boring you with lame jokes, I thought I'd go ahead and get on with the Awards. If you really want to hear my lame jokes, you can take a peek at my blog, "Perfect Blue Buildings"! [/blatant blog plug]
And now, on with the show!!!
In the category of Best Film of 2007, the nominees are:
Stranger than Fiction
Snakes on a Plane
V for Vendetta
Lady in the Water
And the Slackie goes to... Superman Returns! (By virtue of winning a coin toss; it tied with X-men III.) Congratulations, Kal-El, Last Son of Krypton.
For the category of Best Album of 2007, the nominees are:
"Continuum," John Mayer
"Shine On," Jet
"The Crane Wife," The Decemberists
"Cut and Move," Day of Fire
"Saturday Night Wrist," Deftones
And the Slackie goes to... wait, what's this? I'm being handed a note... Ladies and gentlemen, the tie between POD and The Decemberists is being nullified by the first "Special Judges' Prize" of the evening. Wow, it's a bit early for it, but it's not my call, I guess.
By virtue of the Special Judges' Prize, the Slackie goes to "Comatose," by Skillet. How about that. You never know what's gonna happen here at the Slackies.
And now, let's take a moment to pay some bills. We'll be back after a word from our sponsors!
Tonight's broadcast is brought to you with limited commercial interruption, by the following fine sponsors: Taco Cabana! Coke! Head-On! and Your Momma! (...Hey, wait a minute, who wrote that there?!? Someone's getting fired!!!!)
Welcome back to the 2006 Slackie Awards. Let's get back to business!
In the category of Best Book of 2006, the nominees are:
"Lisey's Story," Stephen King
"Star Wars Darth Bane: Path of Destruction," Drew Karpyshyn
"Marley and Me," John Grogan
Anything by Rachel Ray
And the Slackie goes to... "Star Wars Darth Bane: Path of Destruction," Drew Karpyshyn. (Beat Rachel Ray in a coin toss!) I could have sworn the judges would have used a pass for Stephen King. Well, there you go. Unpredictable outcomes this year.
Okay, for the category of Returning TV Show of the Year, the nominees are:
How I Met Your Mother
And the Slackie goes to... uh-oh, looks like we have another "Special Judges' Prize"!
While the vote totals were overwhelmingly in favor of "The Office," the Slackie for Returning TV show goes to... Smallville! What a Surprise!
In the category of Best New TV Show of 2006, the nominees are:
Studio 60 on the Sunset Strip
And the Slackie goes to... Heroes. And accepting the award for the show is one of the characters, Hiro Nakamura.
Hiro: *fists pumped in the air* ["I did it! I mean, WE did it!"]
I didn't understand a bit of that. Good thing he comes with subtitles, am i right? Haha. Okay, bad joke. Moving on...
In the category of Worst Movie of 2006, the nominees are:
Ice Age II
An Inconvenient Truth
Santa Clause 3: The Escape Clause
And the Slackie goes to... Little Man. Thankfully, Marlon Wayans is not here to receive his award.
In the category of Underrated Artistic Achievement, the nominees are:
Trevor's Stick-figure Drawing Gallery
Guitar Hero II (PS2 video game)
PBB Cool Ten
And the Slackie goes to... Trevor's Stick Figure Gallery!!! Congratulations Trev!
In the category of Overrated Artistic "Achievement," the nominees are:
"Modern Times," Bob Dylan (music)
The Alley Theater's production of Peter Schaffer's "Black Comedy" (stage)
PBB Cool Ten
"Your Best Life Now," Joel Osteen (book)
And the Slackie goes to... "Your Best Life Now," Joel Osteen. I won't comment further.
In the category of Serious News Event of the Year, the nominees are:
Democratic Party's takeover of Congress
The announcement of Star Wars Celebration IV
The execution of Saddam Hussein
And the Slackie goes to... The execution of Saddam Hussein.
In the category of Ludicrous News Event of the Year, the nominees are:
Celebrity babies in general
Britney and Kevin Break Up!
Whatever Angelina Jolie is doing, 24 hours a day
Laura Bush's "secret" cancer treatment
And the Slackie goes to... Britney and Kevin break up! It beat out Angelina by a single vote.
In the category of Sports Story of the Year, the nominees are:
St. Louis Cardinals--2006 World Series Champs (ugh)
Italy wins the World Cup
Ryan Howard, baseball MVP, hits 59 home runs
Shameless spending by Major League Baseball clubs
The impending dominance of the Chicago Cubs
And the Slackie goes to... the World Cup. Go figure.
Let's pause now and take another brief commercial break!
Coming Soon to Theaters: "Little Man II: Little WOman"! Now there's double the hijinks as a diminuitive female criminal tries to steal a page from Marlon Wayans tiny, little, baby-sized playbook! Two times the trouble, still only half the size! It's Little Man II, coming this summer from Fox!
Ladies and gentlemen, welcome back to the Slackies broadcast.
I was just informed by the producers that we're running short of time, so we will dispense with the witty banter and recitation of the nominees from here on out. Sorry for the inconvenience.
The Slackie for Biggest Screw-up by a Government/Politican (a.k.a. The "D'Oh!" Award) goes to... Mark Foley.
The Slackie for Most Over-Exposed Lingering Celebrity (a.k.a. The Paris Hilton Prize) goes to... Kevin Federline! In a stunning coin-toss upset over two-time champ, Paris Hilton!
The Slackie for Most Over-Exposed New Celebrity (a.k.a. The "Your 15 Minutes are Up" Award) goes to... Katie Blair, Miss Teen USA and occassional barhopper.
The Slackie for Blog of the Year goes to... Perfect Blue Buildings! You like me! You really like me! *tear*
The Slackie for Buffoon of the Year goes to... Tom Cruise!
The Slackie for Soap/Bodywash of the Year goes to... Zest!
The Slackie for Birthday Cake Flavor of the Year goes to... Chocolate!
The Slackie for Non-adult Beverage of the Year goes to... Starbucks Peppermint Mocha! Yummy!
The Slackie for Best Future "Slackie" Award Category goes to... "Best Guilty Pleasure!" Well, see you next year, then, BGP!
The Slackie for Fictional Character of the Year (Male) goes to... Gregory House, M. D., from "House"! Didn't see that one coming, but wow, good pick.
The Slackie for Fictional Character of the Year (Female) goes to... Claire Bennett from "Heroes"!
The Slackie for YouTube Video of the Year goes to... wait, what's this? It's our FINAL "Special Judges' Prize" of the Year. While the SNL short got the popular vote (barely), the judges are going with the runner-up this year.
Thus, the Slackie goes to... Weird Al Yankovic, "White and Nerdy"!
And now, our last category of the evening...
The Slackie for Cheese of the Year goes to...
Our closest vote of the night. A three-way tie between provolone, cheddar, and "Miracle on 34th Street." After a very complex and technical process (which I won't go into here so the math nerds don't skewer my methods), the winner is...
"Miracle on 34th Street! "
Well, ladies and gentlemen, it's been a great year here at the Slackies, and I just want to thank a few people. Dave, for the idea and the execution. The U.S. Treasury, for providing the tie-breaking device. The internets, for making all of this possible. And you, the voters and readers, for humoring me and participating.
Thanks everyone, and we'll see you again in 2007
[final fade out]