"not for you"

there was a reason why
i never read my mutterings
to large groups at readings
held in smoky coffee houses,
but i never could express
it until recently

(thanks for clearing this
up for me)

the reason is
i'm a feedback junkie
hooked on your favor.

i realized in a flash of
blinding self-perception
that i would gladly rip my
pumping heart from my chest,
veins and all,
and spin it on my finger like a ball,
just to catch your fickled eye.

i would jump through flaming
hooped prose, dancing gracefully between
metaphor and irony, juggling
description, throwing it all
skyward and catching it with
a flourish and a bow,
just to see you smile and nod.

this bothers me greatly.

i have dusty notebooks in my
deskdrawers full of poems that only
two have seen, the one i loved and
the one i trusted

last week, as i was packing,
i opened one and flipped
past a few aborted ideas and
sophomoric exercises, until i
came across something startling

i wrote a poem that i'm really rather proud of
but i'll never let you see it
because it is not for you.