Thursday, January 15, 2004

I'm not in *that* honest of a mood...

If you saw a post here that was entitled, "Come back later, I'm in too honest a mood...", or a second post that was entitled, "The Opposite of Narcissism", congratulations. Chalk it up there with the Yeti and Loch Ness. Because it will never be seen again.

I put up two "painfully honest" posts, one giving the backstory of a poem/rant/whine I wrote, the other was the piece (of...) itself. I posted them both in a flurry of "openness" and "honesty".

And then I read them again. And summarily deleted them.

The poem, called "The Opposite of Narcissism", was melodramatic slough of self-loathing and self-pity, simultaneously. The irony was that it was, in actuality, an underhanded narcissism, where i stared at my poor, pitiful reflection, and bitched and moaned about being overweight.

It's a freaking poem about being fat and feeling guilty and sorry for myself. How ludicrous.

I was proud of the title, at least. I can't ever use it again, but I was proud of that. Feel free to use it in your own work, with my blessing.

I'm sorry kids. I thought I was being honest, but I was just being needy. I posted first, telling you that I didn't want your pity, sympathy, or encouragement, when these things were exactly what I hoped for.

You want the truth?

The truth is, I am what I am because I choose to be. I choose to be. My laziness, my bad habits, my lack of motivation, they're all choices I make. Day to day. I'm no victim. I'm the perp.

And while I tried to subconsciously disguise my self-serving play for your sympathy as "honesty", deep down, I knew it was all bull. So I deleted it.

I don't know what I was thinking. And I apologize for that near-hypocrisy.

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