Unabashed Honesty Post #2
I had a dream last night. I don't remember all of it, but the last part of it I do recall. I found myself standing with an armload of clothes in the lobby of an OBU dorm. It seemed to be an amalgam of Kerr and upstairs Taylor, if you're curious. Anywho, I was greeted by my good friend Matt Romoser (Class of 2000) who said, "Hey Dave, you're back ?" "Um, yeah, looks like it." "Cool, man. See you later." Then he left.
I stood for a moment, turned around, looked at the couches, the tv, the people playing video games, then the bundle in my arms, dirty clothes, I think. And I asked myself, "What am I doing here? I graduated, I'm done. I can't come back anymore." I realized that Romoser wasn't supposed to be there, either. Aside from being graduated, he's also married and in the Marines. It was as if I took a giant leap backwards, while still having my current consciousness and memories.
Interpretation: One of my struggles (yes i'm still dealing with this) is letting go of the past. College was the best four years of my life (cliched but true), and right now, the outlook is kinda bleak for the future. Part of me has been holding on to the old life with the friends and the structure and the sense of accomplishing something, because I'm afraid that OBU was, yes Jack, as good as it would get for me. Which is stupid and defeatist, yes i know. But true feelings.
This may be the cause for my dearth of friendships in Houston. By putting up a wall of distance between myself and anyone new here, I'm in a way rejecting the reality that I am here now, college is over, and I have to embrace this life, with its struggle and doubt and confusion.
Fourteen months after graduating, and I'm still struggling to accept the end of college and beginning of adulthood.