Friday, July 25, 2003

Unabashed Honesty Post #1

It has been a really lousy couple of weeks. I'm still completely stymied in my search for gainful employment. Turned down by every cool or at least tolerable job I've applied to, and ignored by the rest of the working world. My temp job grading papers has ended, and now I only have my tenuous pizza position to support myself on. Looks like that one might not even last the summer.

I'm really stressed out, and for the last several days have been sinking into yet another trough of depression. At least this time I could see it coming. But I have no idea why it happens. Okay, a few ideas. But nothing useful. And no obvious antidotes.

One major issue I'm dealing with is my apparent lack of focus and direction. I have no mission. And it's hard to be a warrior without a cause. If you're not preparing for battle, then your armor feels heavier and heavier. At least before, in previous seasons of life, there was purpose, direction. I had something or someone to work for and towards. Now, I have no one, nothing. I'm not getting mopey here, I'm being serious, so stay with me. I have dreams that seem unattainable and futile, and challenges that seem unconquerable. Short-form--I'm a defeated man.

And I have lost my heart. Not in the romantic sense, guys. But I feel, in a way I've never felt before, utterly spiritless. What seafarers would call the doldrums. There's no wind, thus no motion. My sails are hanging lifeless and useless. I have no desires, no feelings. I'm numb, most of the time, or depressed because I don't feel anything but depressed.

Keep me in prayer, my friends. I know that there is a choice before me, I can feel it, but I don't know what it is or what to choose. I need to see clearly the path and the plan. At least the first step.

No comments: